A Broken & Black Heart
by Suave-Aurora
Summary: One Shot Bellatrix and Sirius and the one moment they shared that defined everything there after...a bit of insight on Bellatrix's chaotic mind, unspoken emotions and biggest regret...please RR!


Title: A Broken & Black Heart

Comment: This is a kind of long one shot between my favorite pairing…this will hopefully explain why they hate each other so much/became so bitter. Italics are Bellatrix's thoughts/conscience. I made it so if you got rid of all the italics you'd have a regularly cold Bellatrix  So that's why some of the narration is in italics. Please comment if you read it means a LOT! Thanks!

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"We – we can't do this anymore." He brushed a piece of almost silky black hair from his blue eyes. Those royal blue eyes, like thousands of sapphires, were filled with regret. Crystal tears were threatening to fall down his pale, alabaster skin. He stared at the girl, the girl that he had loved for so long...

She didn't say a word. She didn't need to. One look into his eyes and she could read it all.

_Don't...how dare you shed tears for him? How dare he treat you like some cast off mistress? You, you! I told you…I told you not to have anything to do with him! A Gryffindor, no less!_

A thousand emotions were running through her mind, yet she said nothing. Her long black hair was swaying gently from a gentle breeze of wind. Her skin was shining from the sun's soft rays and her eyes, those deliciously enticing midnight eyes, were filled with…

Nothing. There was no emotion, there was no sadness and there were no tears. She lifted those eyes, those cruel and cold eyes, to those of the boy and finally spoke, her voice quavering at first but quickly strengthening. "What in the world are you talking about?" Her voice came out a bit colder than she had meant, but still betrayed none of her emotions.

_Emotions_ _cost everything…they cost you everything! Think of how happy you were before you fell in love with his smile, his sapphire eyes, his arrogant grin, his devil-may-care attitude…_

_Stop it. Just stop it. Look at him. Staring at you as though you're some foolish, naïve child. How he must be applauding himself for successfully using you…loving you, using you, and discarding you. What a fool, you're such a fool! Why in the world would you ever hand any boy, this boy especially, your heart on a silver platter? No, you gave it to him on a golden platter and he threw it to the ground in disgust – shattered it into a million pieces, each smaller than the next. An impossible mess to clean up – an impossible mess to begin with. _

_Her ruby red lips almost started to tremble and her eyes started to cloud over, but she caught herself in time. Fool. Her conscience shouted. Childish, immature, fool! Blinking her eyes twice, she was able to catch one glass-like tear before it formed._

"I'm talking about us…god damnit, you don't think this is hard for me?" The boy ran a hand through his hair and stared up at the sky as though it held the correct responses.

_Hard on you? Yes, I'm almost positively sure that this is tearing you up as much as it's ruining me…considering you're the one standing in front of me telling me to close my eyes and pretend as though none of this happened. And how can I? After everything I gave up for us. And I did, I did give up everything I had so we could be happy for a few fleeting moments. This could ruin me if it got out-already my friends are suspicious. And my friends are much more…condemning than yours, my dear. How they'd destroy me if they knew…and yet I risked it all just for you, for us. I risked exposure, I risked ridicule, I risked pain and torture above all things just so we could hold hands and pretend as though we had no cares in the world. Yes, hard on you indeed._

Her tears disappeared and her jaw tightened. Those black eyes, void of emotion, were like whirling abysses into the pit of hate. _Hatred,_ She thought, _Grow strong on it_.

"God…" The boy still searched for words. "I," He paused. "We,"

She made an impatient noise, causing him to glance back at her. Her mouth had turned to a scowl and she looked bored and withdrawn, as though she had tired of the conversation before it had even begun.

_Not true, not true at all! How I yearn to hear all that you have to say, no matter how painful…I can handle pain, for christ's sake, I'm a Slytherin, I was born into pain! But dear God…stop fumbling with your words! Say what needs to be said and leave me to my misery! _

_She was pleading with her conscience again. Pleading for permission to get on her knees, weep, and beg for him to reconsider. How unlike her, how very unlike her. Love does strange things…Her mind chided. She narrowed her eyes. She knew what love did to people - at least, she knew now. And how she despised it._

"We've had wonderful moments together, and…god, you're the only one who understands me, the only one who's been there for me throughout it all - I can't believe I'm doing this…"

_I can't either. I can't believe you're doing this, especially not to me! I've seen you toss other girls as though they meant absolutely nothing-I've laughed and egged you on but God…this may be the first and only time I ever feel pity for those girls. But yes, love, we had wonderful moments together…like lying beside the lake when we were supposed to be in class-your head in my lap as I played with your long, raven hair. Your eyes twinkling as you stared up at me and declared that I was the most beautiful girl in the world…our laughter as we recalled childhood moments or…_

_When we'd take long walks in the middle of a dreadful storm, I'd giggle as you pulled on my hand, dragging me to shelter underneath a tree. You knew how much I loved storms, the delightfully violent winds and brutal rain…and you'd wrap your arms around me and we'd watch the lightening crash to the ground and the thunder roll…_

_Why are you doing this to me? This isn't who I am. I don't laugh, I don't hold hands, I don't steal kisses, I don't giggle, hell, I don't smile and I defiantly do not love. Wonderful moments we had…had…what a terrible word, what a terribly decisive and final word. We had wonderful moments together. Had, had, had, had, had._

"Yes. I suppose we did." Her voice was curt and to the point. She refused to look up at his eyes; instead she focused hers on a blade of grass waving blissfully in the wind. She felt like stepping on it. Stepping on it and destroying its carefree, joyful world as hers had just been destroyed…

"If there was any hope for us, don't you understand? I'd survive on any little bit of hope but there's just so much against us!" He was pleading again. Begging for her understanding, for her forgiveness, for her love? She understood the tone of a plea…it had been and would be used many times in her presence.

"I loved you…" His eyes searched for hers, but she made sure they stayed carefully concentrated on the ground. "I love you…" He tried again, almost desperately.

_Love? Love! There's that damned word again! What the hell does he know of love? Love is for Hufflepuffs, for Ravenclaws and Gryffindors…oh, wait. I keep forgetting. There's that one word that seems to separate us forever, the one flaw in our perfect life. Gryffindor. _

She mumbled something that he couldn't hear. She raised her eyes to his- her eyes were raging with the venom of a thousand vipers, the steel of a million daggers, and the anger of every heartbroken girl in the world. His were large, expressive and wounded as if begging her to say something-anything to fix it all. And she did. With a cold, cruelly trained voice she spit, "What do _you_ know of love?" His eyes fell to the ground, downcast and disappointed, saddened beyond repair.

_Was I supposed to say I love you back? Are those the magic words to make this dreadful day disappear? Were those words the only thing that I could have said to spare this heartbreak and to save what we still had? If I had said "I love you" would everything have been fine again? Would he have held me in his arms, covering my face with his warm black robes that always smelled like freshly sprayed cologne? Would he have whispered words of forgiveness into my hair? _

_No. If you had said those words you would have given him the ammunition to forever hurt you with. You would have given him a part of you that no man has ever had. Love…there is no meaning behind the word. There is only pain, there is only heartache, there is only suffering to be found. _

_I would have said it. I would have said it if I had only known, only understood what those words meant…meant to someone like him. I would have._

_Ah, but you didn't. You failed. Look at those eyes; he's already looking at you with disgust and hate. You failed to give him the one thing that he was asking for, begging for; your love. If you can't even give him that then what use was this whole charade for in the first place?_

_Now I understand what a person feels like right before they throw themselves off a cliff. They're falling, falling faster than imagined, and all the time they're screaming "WHY DIDN'T I?" Why didn't I learn how to swim? Why didn't I take cliff-diving lessons? Why didn't I tell him I loved him?_

_If I could – if I could, I would throw myself in his arms repeating those three words over and over. I LOVE YOU! I DO! I LOVE YOU! I love you more than anything I have ever loved before and God! I don't even know the meaning of the word, goodness knows no one ever taught the meaning of love, but…I love you. I love you as fully as I can and as best as I know how. I would turn time if I had only been brave enough to scream out my feelings for once, I LOVE YOU! I – _

_"I love you." She whispered, feebly. It came out as a tiny squeak, an unrecognizable phrase that was swiftly carried off in the wind. She waited a split second for the miraculous possibility that he had heard…but he hadn't. She inwardly sighed and blinked her eyes furiously. He didn't hear. Well. You blew your last chance, her conscience laughed. Her heart, on the other hand, wept: coward. Say it again louder if you want to-if you really want him to know then say it louder! _

_But she didn't._

"What do I know about love?" His ocean blue eyes snapped with anger and hurt. "Apparently nothing. I know absolutely nothing about love as you've just so kindly proven."

_I've so kindly proven? You ruined my ideals of love the second you looked into my eyes and told me we needed to stop. To stop what? Loving each other? This is ridiculous…no wonder I try so hard to hide emotions-there's no merit, there's no benefit, there's no purpose to feeling anything. I'm so confused, so conflicted; I've never felt this torn in my entire life. …why do you do this to me? Why **are** you doing this to me? Some other girl, I understand, but **me**? _

_Fool._

_I don't care! Fool I may be but…oh god, why. I've spent years protecting myself from these types of feelings, so why must I bear them now?_

"Sirius." She barely recognized her own voice, low and husky as it was. It sounded as though thousands of unshed tears were clinging from her lips.

He had been staring at the large Hogwarts doors, but turned at the sound of her voice. His eyes were once again hopeful, expectant.

"Yeah?" He asked softly. His hands were awkwardly in his pockets as he fidgeted his weight from one foot to another. Would she finally say it? Would she finally admit that she might possibly feel the same about him as he had confessed to feeling about her?

"I…" She paused. _Stop, think, consider! Her conscience warned._

He laughed. It wasn't a carefree laugh but rather it dripped with disdain and disgust and worse of all; ridicule. "You can't say it? You can't say what you're feeling? Do you love me? Let's put it easily. No more teasing, no more joking, no more playing around. Answer me, do you love me?"

_Yes. Yes. Yes, a thousand times yes! I love you! I love your voice, silky and smooth. I love your smile, as charming and mischievous as it may be. I love your eyes; twinkling with the anticipation of some practical joke you've got planned. I love you; I love absolutely everything about you. You're the only one, only one, who understands me. From the moment we were children we were destined to be together. Destined but forbidden. Yes. I love you. I will always love you._

His eyes had turned menacing, like those of a man who's about to break in half and only needs one word to save or ruin his life. "Do you love me?" He asked again, quietly and less sure.

"No." The words came so quickly out of her mouth she didn't know how to stop them. Her eyes flashed with warning and threat. She stood as still as a statue, not moving, never moving.

He stared at her for a second, as though trying to peer into that chaotic mind of hers. Finally he threw his hands up in the air, exasperated, and began to walk away. He stopped and turned around, his robes billowing out from underneath him, his hands uselessly hanging at his sides, and unshed tears forming in his eyes. He spoke loudly before opening the doors to the school, his voice dripping with sarcasm and disdain. "For once, why don't you just say what you're thinking?" The doors slammed shut behind him.

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Bellatrix knelt to the ground and began to cry.

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A/N: All right…in a lot of fan fics Bellatrix pretty much comes off as a really cold hearted, cruel person ... but I always wondered if there was something more to her…something that she couldn't express- that was hidden behind her glares, threats and curses. But yeah…if you take away all the italics in the story, you can get a basic potrayel of the cruel, bitter Bellatrix we have come to hate & love lol. PLEASE COMMENT! Lol thanks.


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